Dear Patient in 63,

I know it sucks being in pain and being stuck in the hospital. However, using your call light literally (and I do mean literally; I kept track) at least once every two minutes will *not* increase your level of care. You seem alert and oriented, so we're assuming it's not that you're confused, you're just insane. When you call that frequently, especially for things you can do yourself, we start ignoring you like the boy who cried wolf. I don't care how much your shoulder hurts; if you can reach the call light that often you can reposition your arm a couple inches to make yourself more comfortable.

Ma'am, if you behave today like you did yesterday, I am going to take the call light away from you and read you the Riot Act like nobody's business. We have 25 other people on our unit, and 95% of them are in more serious condition than you are. You are jeopardizing their health by monopolizing our time and attention.

Knock it the fuck off!

Sincerely,
Purple RN

(After she whined "I'm just so miserable!" for the umpteenth time, I did say "Ma'am, we're *all* in the hospital and we're *all* miserable." She laughed a little, which I suppose is better than calling my manager...)


In my perfect world, I would invent a call light with a built in electric shock. If you use the call light more often than, say, 20 times in an hour, you get zapped every time you hit the button after that. I think it would encourage much more judicious use of the call light, and in an emergency situation I think a person would withstand a little zap to get real help. Until they perfect the Ativan mist or Ativan nebulizer treatment